by Jerry Donaldson
499 words
(I wrote this in 2015. It’s riff on the Lulu Lemon thing that was in the news a couple of years back)
“Who?”
“It’s Gertie.”
“Sorry, say that again?”
“Leonard, it’s Gertie, dammit! Give your head a shake, man.”
“Gertie, it’s–wait a sec—it’s 3:30 in the morning. I’m sleeping.”
“Not anymore, you’re not. Grab a pen and write this down.”
“Write what down?”
“Ideas, man, ideas for the Nanos line.”
“Nanos?”
“Don’t be thick, Leonard, you know how that pisses me off.”
I clicked on my bedside light. I sat up and rummaged in my night stand. Clearly Gertie was not going to be put off. Outside my open window the West Vancouver night was warm and quiet.
“Okay, I’ve got a pen. Why do we have to do this now?”
“It may be the middle of the night out there, Mr. Big-Time, but here in St. John’s where your family misses you and can’t understand why you never visit, it’s 8 am and time to do business. So listen up.”
“Right.”
“You know the guy with the yoga pants?”
“Right.”
“No you don’t, you’re just hoping I’ll go away.”
“Right again.”
“Get serious, or this will take all morning.”
“Gertie, I know the guy with the yoga pants, the Lulu Lemon guy. He made them too sheer and people complained, but then they complained even more when he told them some women shouldn’t wear them.”
“Because they had big butts, that was the problem.”
“Not just big butts, I think he mean larger women in general shouldn’t wear his yoga pants.”
“No, I’m pretty sure he meant big butts.”
“Gertie, I don’t really know. Maybe he meant just big butts, or maybe larger women generally. It was a while back and, honestly, I didn’t follow the story that closely.”
“Leonard, that won’t do. Your family is marketing a similar clothing line. We–and by ‘we’ I mean all of us including you, Mr. Westcoaster–need to monitor trends.”
“But the Nanos line is footwear, Gertie.”
“Including yoga shoes, Leonard, and runners and other items big-butt ladies might be interested in.”
“Just those with big butts, or larger women generally?”
“We have to make sure we are appealing to every potential customer. Big or small, we fit them all. Hey, that’s not bad, we can use it. Write that down.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s a line from an old George Richards commercial.”
“George Richards sells men’s wear. Nanos is for ladies. It’s not the same thing at all.”
“My point is, you can’t use another company’s slogan.”
“If it helps us to sell Nanos to big-butt ladies, then I don’t give a hoot, Leonard.”
“Just those with big butts, or larger women generally?”
“I don’t know why you think that’s relevant to the matter at hand.”
“Which is?”
“Moving Nanos into the big league, Leonard. Being successful, doing the family proud.”
“You’re losing me, Gertie.”
“Well, listen, Calvin’s just walked in with the girls, so I better go. Just think about what I said, Leonard. Big butts.”
The line went dead. I clicked off the light and rolled over.
On The Beach 